Zur deutschen Version geht’s hier: Warum Frauen keine netten Männer lieben.
The following article has already been an attraction on Studivz and we would like to share this brainfart with you guys. While you’re reading it just remember one thing: every exaggeration contains a bit of the truth. It’s simply the tone of the article. Read it with a 😉 .
Why women don’t like nice guys
Hands up! How many desperate men are out there who would categorize themselves as nice, understanding and affectionate but who still spend Sunday evening watching TV alone, asking their idol Kai Pflaume (obviously a nice guy but still a ladies‘ man) the question of their lives: “Why does no woman ever want me?”
Before I’m going to answer that, I want to define the typical characteristics of Mr. Nice Guy. Just so all the men denying themselves every morning while shaving in front of a Sylvester Stallone Poster can relate too.
In the friendzone
There are a lot of beautiful, intelligent women in your circle of friends who you’ve all (without exception) desired at some point. You’ve told each one of them about your feelings for her at a fancy Italian restaurant while holding at least a thousand red roses in your hand. And all of them answered the same way: “You’re a really nice guy and I really, really like you! But just as a friend.”
And because you are such a nice guy… you said yes to “please, let’s just stay friends, okay?” instead of telling that bitch that she could at least spread her legs for you since you’ve paid for the expensive meal she just had.
Just like she does for that idiot of a boyfriend she usually changes within a month, who, on top of it all, hits her twice a week and is sleeping with her best friend. How you know all that? You are her psychiatrist, of course! Your number is saved at the very top of her speed dial. Obviously under “Grandma” or “Tanja” because the Mediterranean lovers she’s currently seeing are really, really jealous. Most of the time she calls you in the middle of the night right after he gave her a black eye and also right after their make-up sex. From time to time she pushes in that rusty nail stuck in your heart a little deeper by saying things like “If he was a little bit more like you!” while she’s ruining your Shirt with her waterproof and washing powder resistant mascara.
A little more like me? Girl, you’ve got 100% right in front of you! Why don’t you fucking get that?! Still you wait. Because deep inside you know that one day she’s going to dump that musclebound douchebag and finally realize that you’re the one for her! And you might not be completely wrong. One day she’ll appear at your door, crying so hard, your laminate floor will curl up. He’s gone, ran away with another girl, just another asshole who thinks with his dick and you were right and all. You’ve been waiting for this for years now. You are so ready to take over! And then she says: “Your friend, Sebastian, is he still single?” And at this moment you wish the burning of witches was still legal.
But because you are such a nice guy…
…you are her best man when she’s going to marry Sebastian next week.
Your ex-girlfriends who were just together with you because merciful aid groups were “in” at that time, are only saying good things about you. Things like you’re affectionate, understanding, a good listener and that you’ve always been there whenever they needed you. And of course that you’re the best partner for a woman to wish for. But that one sentence: “You’re my best friend and the only one who really gets me!” You’ve heard it so often, you should actually have the copyright for it. To the question why they left you, the answer’s always the same: they really don’t know and they’re probably going to regret it one day… Great, now the whole world thinks you suck in bed. The only thing you regret is that you’ve been holding back your BDSM-phantasies out of pure consideration for her.
But because you are such a nice guy… you remain affectionate, understanding, a good listener and you’re still always there for her even after the break-up (even if you actually know that this way she isn’t missing anything and that you’re just being stupid).
At the club you often make long ass conversation with the girls. After a really hot dance session, you hand her a glass of water and compliment her looks and earrings. Every girl is impressed by your intelligence, your knowledge, your humor and your restrained behavior. She’s happy you’re interested in what she does and what’s on her mind. All the other men trying to talk to her only want the one thing. A bit later she’s leaving the club with that shady looking guy who interrupted your conversation with the words: “Nice ass! Wanna go to my place?”
But because you are such a nice guy… you follow her and wait for her in front of a ruinous building in an area you wouldn’t even trust a nun. At dawn she comes running out of the building. She’s crying and her clothes are ripped. You take her home and she promises to call you. After about 10 km alone in your car you realize that she doesn’t even have your number and you didn’t ask for hers.
Does that sound like you?
You keep yelling “Yes! Exactly! But why is it like that…” while reading this?
Good listeners like you are very rare. And that’s your death sentence. To say it with the words of a bulimic: “I never eat where I puke.” What that means for you: she likes sharing her sorrows with you but she’s having fun somewhere else and not with you, her emotional dump.
Nice guys are boring. They’re not promising that thrilling bearded-Marlboro-man-adventure. Women are horse whisperers; they want to domesticate wild studs. They don’t want to take a ride on the carrousel-pony.
Women don’t know what they want. They’re thankful for anyone making decisions for them. Men like you are giving them too much to decide by saying: “It’s going to end the way you want it. I will do anything you tell me to. I will be there whenever you need me.” But men like you will also have to ask: “Uhm, where are you going”, when their beloved is leaving with the guy who said: “You want to sleep with me, admit it”.
This might be the most important reason why nice guys are not allowed to be with the nice girls. It seems like a physical and psychological phenomenon of polarity, similar to a magnet. ( + ) and ( + ) are always going to repulse one another. What does that mean for you? Become a ruthless asshole who doesn’t give a fuck about the feelings of a woman.
But because you are such a nice guy… you won’t change at all and hope that the laws of physics will change for you and that one day you might get a chance to escape the friendzone.
Nice is not getting laid… or why nice guys can’t get the girls
The other day a friend of mine was telling me that he was finally going on a date with this gorgeous woman he’s been after for a long time now. And Max, that’s his name, was expecting a wonderful night. He’s been taking her car to the carwash. He even painted her apartment last summer. The only thing he’s receiving from her is a brief hug to say hello. My advice: “Let her go, she’s bad for you.”
The day after the date Max told me about it: Fancy restaurant, the movies, visiting a club. After all that he brought her back home. She asked him to come in, they had a few drinks and were talking the whole night through. At some point he drank too much and wasn’t able to drive anymore. He stayed the night. “It was almost perfect”, he said to me. Just one little thing was missing: they didn’t have sex. They weren’t even sleeping in the same bed. What happened? Well I already told you that: nothing! Instead of a night full of love Max received the worst insult a man can get from a woman.
Four little words: you – are – really – nice. The following sentence always starts with “but”. After that she will tell you everything she likes about you. You, the man she doesn’t want. If she uses the nice-sentence you can forget about all of your sexual phantasies you ever had with her. And don’t even think about a relationship with her. It’s even worse: you’ve been degraded to a second-class man, the so called “good friend”. Similar to a banishment because every man then knows that it’s impossible for him to ever be that woman’s lover or boyfriend. It´s the everlasting exile called friendzone you can’t escape from.
But how does all of that misery even start? Before the “you-are-nice”-sentence woman and man get to know each other. He likes spending time with her and she feels the same. Man thinks: “Wow, what a great woman!” Woman thinks: “Man, he’s really nice!” Careful: by then the word “nice” is still a good thing. A “nice” which is just thought by a woman is not the same as the “nice” she says to the guy. Right now there’s still a chance that she changes her mind and the “nice” is being replaced by a good feeling towards the guy. If the word “nice” loses half-life, the man has already lost the game. As you can see: it’s important to always consider more than the last 24 hours of a not-relationship to recognize why a man failed. But even more important than that are the characteristics of the man himself. There you’ll find out that all the men being too nice share a lot of those characteristics I’ve been talking about.
What men are those? Max for example has dark hair, is tall (1,85cm) and weighs about 80 kg. Their looks obviously have nothing to do with it. There has to be a different cause leading nice men to always losing. I asked a few of my female friends and they had answers: the sissy (as they like to call him) has a place in every woman’s life. And none of the women would want to miss their sissy. You never know when there´s something heavy that needs to be lifted or when the apartment has to be renovated. Yeah, that’s what sissies are: helpful! Of course, everyone is kind of being helpful towards women. But don’t overdo it. There is a difference between helping a woman to put on her coat and carrying three crates of beer to the 4th floor for her. And by difference I don’t mean the 54 steps or the 27 kilograms of fluids.
This unconditional helpfulness must go way back to the childhood. I can imagine Max‘ mother telling him over and over again that he was supposed to leave his seat for the old lady at the bus. Since then whenever Max sees a woman he automatically thinks of her as a poor weak being. Well he probably forgot about the fact that he would never sleep with the old lady from the bus. Anyway, Max neither has sex with his beloved nor with the bus-lady. Instead of doing so he’s their little doggy. And his sweetheart is enjoying that. Such a dog on two legs can come in very handy. Who wouldn’t want to be admired if the ego is suffering a bit? But there won’t be a reward. And as such, sex with Max is not an option at all. After all it is forbidden to have sex with animals, at least in Germany.
It would be wrong to say that the sissy is automatically a scarecrow. He’s not someone a woman would hide from public. All the other men like him because he is no harm to them. All the women like him because he’s so understanding and because they can talk to him for hours. About their relationships with other men. Or because he’s so funny. Or, worst case scenario: both! Maybe that’s one of the reasons they think of him as asexual. Who would like to sleep with their psychiatrist? Or a comedian like Didi Hallervorden? The biggest problem is that women don’t think he’s manly and that makes him boring. And boring in the language of a woman equals nice.
“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”
Another friend of mine, Kai, is the exact opposite of Max. Every woman wants to sleep with him, even in the same bed. I can’t remember a time where Kai hasn’t shared his bed… which I don’t really get because I couldn’t say that he seems to be nice. Of course he can be charismatic and funny but only if he’s trying to get in your pants. And he’s super lazy! All of his ex-girlfriends share one thing: Arnold Schwarzenegger’s arms. Because they had to carry their own crates of beer to the 4th floor. And his too.
Well and our nice Max? His only chance is to make some changes. Sissy-time’s over! Changing yourself is, however, not that easy. But it should be if you have to make a choice between metamorphosis and asceticism. It seems that women tend to make no difference between “manly” and “obnoxious”. It also seems that they always go for the badass. You can have him! Two things are really important.
First: never let your girl know that she is the one and only for you. That’s why the intelligent man always surrounds himself with other women. They have to be good looking though. This also helps to give the impression of being worth a lot more on the market than he actually is.
Secondly: repeat to yourself: “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”
An example where this slogan is usually the most impressive: cancel a date last-minute with a flimsy excuse. Don’t let the woman cancel before you get the chance! Even if you’re sitting at home watching “Enterprise” for the thousandth time constantly thinking about her: stand your ground! As soon as your phone rings showing her number you know one thing: you won!
So always remember: no more talks for hours. No more offers regarding moves or renovations of her whole apartment. Because that would mean: no more friendzone! By the way a little advice especially for you, Max: don’t drive her home after the next date. Just ditch her at a bus stop or something. And don’t you ever call her again!